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Mrs Cameron's diary: Ikea is, like, so foreign

Pity the poor, for they must shop at Ikea and can't even afford a Banksy to offset that Scandinavian look

Well, once I had recovered, Mummy was like, how was it, and I was like you cannot believe until you get there just how gruesome it actually is, plus millions of nightmare people and it did not remotely help that all the names for everything, even food, were in this total foreignness, God knows how anyone finds anything? Dave is so right, imho, can't we grow up and speak English given everyone knows it, I mean, if you are allowed to translate Girl With a Dolphin Tattoo, whatever, why Ikea can't call a Hampen a high-pile rug is seriously beyond me.

I am not going to tell Hilto, obvs, or next emergency he will make me do an empathy trip to Lidl, but actually, if I were a quite sad person with no money I would totally LOVE Ikea, and I might even keep the Hampen? I suppose Mummy is right, the stuff is uber-hideous on its own, but with a few vintage pieces, in a decent space, on a good floor, with plenty of light and flowers, if you are channelling a Scandinavian vibe with maybe a Banksy or something quite statementy on the walls, some simple storage can really work, at least for a season or two, in a nanny's room or buy-to-let, or one of those kind of shed-offices that desperately poor people have if they can't afford to move? Apparently some of these places are seriously insanitary, you hear about actual Conservatives working in garden sheds without any hygienic or kitchen facilities, literally in W11?

Dave says Europe is way worse than Ikea, I'm like, I don't think so – plus they'd planned this triumphal dinner with the cannons all primed, so there is not a single window left in the dining room, lolz.

And on Sunday we had this service and Govey led the sceptics in Messiah, which is fine because Handel actually lived in England? And he literally wrote a whole section about the government being upon Dave's shoulders, we were like, respect, who knew? Then we had a retiring collection for Croesus at Christmas, which is Blondie's charity for all the people suffering in sheds with only Ikea high-pile rugs for warmth. © 2011 Guardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds

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